Is my experience of gender valid?

Q: Hi! I am in my late 40s and always thought I was cis… until a few days ago. I’ve often found myself in spaces in the internet that lean very heavily towards trans people and have caught myself feeling a bit… sad almost?! about being boringly cis.

But a few days ago I felt like in suddenly got hit with a big stick of “nope actually, not cis”. After a bit of reading to narrow things down a bit further (I already know a fair amount from the spaces I spend time in) I am like 90% sure I’m agender.

I’ve always been gender non conforming but I’m suddenly finding myself going back through my life as far back as my childhood and recontextualising SO MANY THINGS. I’ve been developing a really strong aversion to female clothing for a while but this has ramped up. I just cut my own hair in the bathroom because it Wasn’t Queer Enough, Goddammit. I ordered a binder because no matter what I realised that I’ll actually be happier with one, I’ve low key wanted breast reduction surgery for like 2 decades but it never occurred to me before that a binder is something I could buy.

I guess I’m wanting to ask – is this valid? It feels like I’m rushing but in my life many times before I’ve processed something subconsciously and by the time I’m consciously aware of it it’s already a pretty core part of my identity, if that makes sense. (See also: realising I’m bi.) I’m not even sure I want to change pronouns because although she/her suddenly doesn’t feel right any more, neither do he/him or they/them and I’ve not really come across any neopronouns that I like.

I feel like I’m rushing into a party going THIS IS MY PARTY TOO but, like, it feels cheeky to care so much about a gender identity that’s more about personally rejecting the concept of gender entirely. (Where are all the people who want everyone’s gender? I would love to gift them mine) And when there is unlikely to be a substantive change in my life from an external viewpoint, I just feel like I’m making a big fuss about not very much. But it feels like a big deal to me!

Would love to hear any thoughts you have!

Thank you so much for this site.

S: Yes, this is valid! That would be the case even if none of what you’ve described maps to other people’s experiences with gender, but in your case, nothing here is at all unusual. (Possibly relevant to you: past posts about feeling like you’re rushing and the false narrative of the One True Trans Experience).

My personal view on language and presentation is “everyone do whatever they want forever (as long as you’re not harming others).” It sounds like you’ve basically been doing that, which is great! I recommend that you continue doing whatever feels right to you. Don’t pressure yourself to reach a particular end point with how you identify or dress or any of it; you might do that, or not, and neither is right or wrong. For example, you can intentionally experiment with pronouns if you feel like it, but it’s pretty common to not feel a strong connection with a particular set, or to take a while to stumble across one that you click with. (I will note that new language can take a while to get used to even if it’s what works well for you, so new pronouns often don’t feel instantly perfect.)

Feel free to write back if you want more thoughts on particular things, but generally, I just want to say that this is your party too! Welcome and congratulations! It’s super exciting to realize more about your own identity, and yours is just as valid as anybody else’s. So it’s perfectly reasonable that it feels like a big deal to you–it is a big deal, and you should make as much of a fuss about it as you like!

K: Agreed with everything said above. This all sounds very valid to me and is a common enough experience. We all move at different paces, and this seems very much like an iceberg type of situation anyway where only part of it is visible (the part that you’re calling “rushing”) when in reality there’s a ton that’s been going on beneath the surface for a while. Some people are internal processors where they figure out what they want and then go for it. Others seem to process more externally and try out different things to figure out what they want. Some people are a combination. All of it is valid.

Seconding everything S is saying about trying different things out and moving at whatever pace and in whatever direction feels right to you. Also agreeing that, while some people feel an immediate connection with a name, identity label, pronouns, etc., that isn’t everyone’s reality. Sometimes it takes a bit to get used to something or understand your own feelings. Sometimes your feelings change over time.

I don’t think this sounds like rushing into a party and saying it is your party too, it sounds a lot more like walking into a room and saying, “Is this where the trans and gender diverse meet up is being held?” and then someone hands you a slice of cake.